Death's A Bitch: A Review of FINAL DESTINATION 5

Expected grade: 3/10

Enjoyment grade: 9/10

Actual film grade: 4/10

(For a full explanation of my grading system, check out this post.)

Like a moth to the flame, I was drawn inexorably to the movie theatre this morning to see the fifth installment in the FINAL DESTINATION franchise -- not entirely against my will, I must admit. My sense of morbid curiosity steered me there, as well as my guilty love of all four previous installments (especially the first two). Did I expect a cinematic masterpiece? Of course not. While I was excited to see the intricate death scenes and their gory results, I was apprehensive that this fifth film would continue the decline in quality started in 3 and accelerated dramatically in 4. I was therefore pleasantly surprised to see this film match, and maybe even exceed, the quality of the first film.

How many series' have reached a fifth installment? Excluding Harry Potter, which was based on already-written material, there aren't that many, and most of them are horror. Think of SAW V, if you were unfortunate enough to see it. Or HALLOWEEN 5: THE REVENGE OF MICHAEL MYERS. Or FRIDAY THE 13TH PART V - A NEW BEGINNING. Or A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET 5 - THE DREAM CHILD. The highest Rotten Tomatoes rating of those films clocks in at 29% (that would be NIGHTMARE -- the rest of the scores are all in the teens). FINAL DESTINATION 5, on the other hand, earned a whopping 57%. That's cinematic gold by comparison.

None of the performances will win Oscars, and the script remains a shallow vehicle for gruesome deaths; but for pure slice-and-dice fun, this movie is a cut above (pun intended). If the people behind the scenes have learned anything throughout the franchise, it's how to build suspense. For those who aren't familiar with the series, each film opens with a bone-crunching, blood-splattering, gore-spewing disaster. In 5, it's the collapse of a suspension bridge. This returns the "it-could-happen-to-anyone" fear to the level of the plane crash in the first and the highway pileup in the second, way above the more-fantastical roller coaster derailment and racetrack demolishing of the third and fourth. (Not that bridges collapse every day, but many people drive over bridges every day -- no one goes to the amusement park or the speedway every day.)

The disaster is then revealed to have occurred in the mind of our winsome protagonist (in this case Nicholas D'Agosto) who has had an inexplicable premonition. He convinces his friends to flee the bus (or plane or roller coaster or what have you) only to witness said disaster actually take place. But apparently Death doesn't like to be cheated, as it spends the rest of the film hunting down those who escaped his grasp. And apparently Death also doesn't like killing people in straightforward ways like heart attacks or falling down the stairs. Oh no. Death prefers setting up complex Rube Goldberg-esque traps full of red herrings. You know, just for funsies. These traps and their bloody results are all the more glorious when seen in 3D. I don't often pay the extra for 3D, but it was definitely worth it this time -- it made the deaths even more cringe-inducing.

The elaborate death sequences are what have always made the FINAL DESTINATION films stand out. And I am happy to say they are at their best in this installment. There is so much buildup, misdirection and fake-outs that by the time the proverbial axe falls, you are on the edge of your seat. One sequence in particular, featuring a balance beam, an inconveniently placed screw, a shorting electrical cable, and a growing puddle of water had my whole audience shrieking in anticipation, wondering which one of these things is actually going to KILL HER ALREADY, and then finally screaming at the resulting death -- one of the most disturbing of the franchise.

The ultimate power of these films is that they make you incredibly paranoid. As you walk out of the theatre, you realize how many things in the world can actually kill you, and how it could happen at any second: laser eye surgery, acupuncture, and sailboats, for example. Even a kitchen can easily become a death trap with its sharp knives, fiery stoves and boiling vats of grease. This may not be cinema at its most subtle and artistic, but in terms of giving the audience a visceral experience to the point of actually altering their perception of their world around them -- FINAL DESTINATION is surprisingly effective.

If you don't like suspense or violence, then there's absolutely nothing in this film for you, to be completely honest. But if you love horror and gore, you will probably love this film. There is more blood and guts on display here than I've seen outside of SAW or HOSTEL, and it's way more fun than either of those overly-serious franchises. Oh, and there's a nice little twist thrown in at the end that will only be fully appreciated by people who have been fans of the franchise since the beginning. It is refreshing to see a series that can actually improve by its fifth entry. It's hard to give this film a grade because for what it is, it's a definite success, but against, say, THE HURT LOCKER, it's obviously subpar. The only fair score I can give it, then, is an average of the experience I had as a horror fan and the one I had as a film critic. That would be a 6.5/10, and for the sake of whole numbers and because of its admirable improvement on the previous installments, I will round up and give it:

Final grade: 7/10